NINE Years ago today I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She weighed 8lbs 6oz and was 20 inches long with beautiful RED hair. The nurses couldn't believe what a beautiful baby she was, they all loved her red hair and couldn't stop talking about her!!
She was PERFECT!!
What a miracle. Giving birth to a child is one of the most amazing experiences ever! I just couldn't believe that I was given such a gift to bring her into this world.
I will never forget when they first laid her in my arms, she was the sweetest thing I had ever seen. I just loved her so much and I didn't want to ever let her go.
Everything about her was perfect even the way she cried. I cherished every moment that I spent with her. I loved rocking her to sleep, changing her and feeding her as my own. I spent 3 amazing days with her in the hospital.
We named her Angelica Ray. As she was our little angel.
The thought of not having her broke my heart. I cried each night holding her knowing that each night would soon end and another day would come and she would no longer be mine. So many times I wanted to leave with her and take her home. But as I looked into her sweet eyes I KNEW that she deserved so much more than I could ever give at that time. The LORD became by best friend. He comforted me each night as I prayed for the strength that I would need to place her with a new family. As HE was the only one that would ever know the pain of this sacrifice that I was to make.
When I placed my sweet Angelica into the arms of her new family my heart was so full of love. The pain and emotion was so overwhelming. The spirit was so strong and it comfirmed to me that I was doing the right things as hard as it was. They were perfect, she was perfect, all together as an ETERNAL family.
As I left the hospital I felt so empty. My heart ached for something that I could not have. I longed to hold her, to smell her again and to hear her cry again. I didn't think that I would ever be ok with out her back in my arms again.
As I look back on these moments it brings tears to my eyes and all the pain back. But I can say that I am MORE than OK. As each day, month and year passes all I feel is JOY when I think of my sweet Angelica Ray. I am so much stronger because of her!!!
Her Parents named her Catherine Rayanna, as they wanted to honor both of her mothers names. So they call her Catie Ray. She knows who we are and loves us so very much. She sure is not afraid to let anyone know that Heavenly Father loves her so much because she has 2 moms and 2 dads! We love to receive pictures, cards, letters and artwork from her. She has grown into such a beautiful, smart, talented and sweet little girl.
Not a day goes by that I don't think of her and the sweet moments that we shared together. I am the person I am today because of her and her life! I have never regretted my decision to place her, I know everything happens for a reason.
I cannot wait for the day that I can hold her in my arms again and tell her how much I LOVE her and that is why I had to let her go.
So today as she turns 9, I cant believe how she has grown and how blessed and loved she is. My sweet Angelica Ray.... I love you more than you will ever know.
8 comments:
What a special day for you. I remember when Joel called me and told me all about her and how hard it was for him to let her go. I don't understand your pain but admire your courage and your ability to follow the spirit in the most difficult of circumstances. May the Lord continue to bless you and your family.
Let me just say that you are one of most strongest people I know!! And I'm so greatfull to have you as my sister. You are AMAZING!!!!! Love Ya....
Thanks for sharing something so personal. You are such a strong person and are a great example to many.
As i'm holding my new baby Avery in my arms as I read your post I couldn't hold back the rush of tears. You are such an amazing person, not many people can do what you have done. I always love to hear the feelings behind a mother who had the opportunity to bring a child into this world for another family, such and example to all of us.
You are amazing and I am so glad that we have become friends. I truly don't know if I would have had that much courage and strength, you have done the impossible. May you keep a smile on your face as you know how very important you are in her life as well as Makenna's.
Thank you so much for this post Rayanna! It's so comforting to hear your love and respect for Catie's family. As an adoptive mother, it's so nice to hear the success of your experience! Thanks again!
As I was reading your post the tears welled in my eyes and I could truly feel the spirit. I could not imagine going through that experience that you went through. It amazes me the trials the Lords puts us through but what we gain from our experiences makes us that much stronger. Thank-you for sharing something so dear to your heart.
Rayanna you made me sob.
It brings back so many feelings and memories of placement days of all our babies cause as an adoptive mother your so happy to finally be a mother, but your heart breaks for the birthmother so many emotions. What a beautiful post thanks so much for sharing this. Its comforting to read your side of adoption as a birthmother cause when my kids are old enough to meet there birthmothers I'm excited for all of them. They all know about their birthmoms and how much they are loved but it will mean something completely different to them when it comes time for them to meet once again. What an example of strength you are and what lucky girls you have to have you in there lives. Thanks so much for sharing!
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